dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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