I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just invented taco cereal.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
