Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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