i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
