Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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