Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
