She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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