I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
