Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
