This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I am one with the molecules
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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