fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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