Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
