I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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