the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
