I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
