I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
