never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
