saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
