I am spending my child support on dildos
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
