its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
