Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
