a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
