it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My liver just broke up with me...
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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