At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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