Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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