dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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