White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
