so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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