My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
