Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
