Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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