she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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