Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
