she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
