Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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