woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Drunk is not a location!
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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