I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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