When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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