I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
