Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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