he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
