everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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