I never want to see another naked old woman again.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
