I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
