i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
