I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
