I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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