We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize