Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize