i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
