My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
