After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
