I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
