can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
