apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize