my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
