How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
