i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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