Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
