I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
