so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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