white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
