I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The Olympian is in my bed
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
