There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
