I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
