I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
